The Ryder Cup is this week and the United States is an underdog. We have lost the last two Cups by nine points each, both record margins. I choose to move forward. Here is a player-by-player breakdown of what I think we should expect this week. Keep this list handy as you watch the events unfold.
TEAM EUROPE
Paul Casey: His anti-American remarks from a few years ago will come back to haunt him. He will be involved in a bar fight, and spend the week in jail. Record 0-0-0. … Sergio Garcia: Will make lots of putts. This is the only week that ever happens to him. Will lose his singles match because the flagsticks hate him. Record 2-2-1. … Soren Hansen: Since he is not English, captain Nick Faldo will forget to put him in the lineup until Sunday and he will lose to Chad Campbell. Record 0-1-0. … Padraig Harrington: Should be the player of the year, but he is playing poorly right now. Since that has never hurt a European in a Ryder Cup before, he goes 4-1. Probably paired against Phil Mickelson every chance Faldo can get just to remind Phil that Padraig is halfway to the Tiger Slam and Phil isn’t. … Miguel Angel Jimenez: Coolest dude on the European team will be victimized by a Paul Azinger-requested, no-smoking policy just during his matches. Such is the power for the host captain. Record 1-2-2. … Robert Karlsson: He is hurt. Not only will he discover the joys of non-socialized medicine, he will also develop a fondness for American massage therapy. Blissfully distracted, his record is 0-4-1. … Graeme McDowell: Will discover that ice makes drinks taste better, and will spend the rest of the week trying to show his teammates this wonderful invention. Uses most of the pages of his yardage book writing down the secret to this amazing scientific discovery. Record 1-2-2. … Ian Poulter: Storms out of the team room after learning that none of the uniforms for the week will feature the color pink. Is held in contempt of court at one of Paul Casey’s pre-trial hearings for insisting to a disinterested judge that he is the No. 2 player in the world. Record 0-0-0. … Justin Rose: A sparkling week for a player who will anchor many Ryder Cup teams. Loses his singles match though, because he never plays well on Sundays in the U.S. Record 3-1-1. … Henrik Stenson: Loses every match because of constant slow-play penalties – until Sunday when Faldo manages to match him up against J.B. Holmes. Record 0-4-1. … Lee Westwood: His heart is not in it since Darren Clarke is not part of the team this year. Asks captain Faldo if Clarke can substitute for the incarcerated Casey, and is kicked off the team for insubordination. Record 0-0-0. … Oliver Wilson: Never gets on track because he is never allowed on the driving range to warm up, since no one knows who he is. Record 1-2-1.
TEAM USA
Phil Mickelson: Only plays the morning matches the first two days so he can fly his private jet back home to pick the kids up from school. Smartest man on either team devises ingenious plan to rest on the even-numbered holes to remain fresh for the rest of the match. Record 0-3-0. … Stewart Cink: Class act who stays calm in the storm of international competition. Record 3-1-1. … Kenny Perry: Another rule change from captain Azinger allows Perry to drive a souped-up golf cart all week. He wins every match playing in a red, white and blue firesuit. Record 5-0. … Jim Furyk: Gets past his shaky putting and has a good, solid, Jim Furyk-type of week. Record 3-1-1. … Anthony Kim: Ryder Cup rookie starts the week slow as he wears a belt buckle made out of the old NWA U.S. tag team championship belts. The belt buckle inhibits his swing, and he eventually ditches it. Record 1-2-2. … Justin Leonard: Another quirk from captain Azinger designed to capitalize on his dramatic 17th-hole putt in 1999, makes Leonard the designated putter on just the 17th green. Strange move, but it works. Record 2-4-0. … Ben Curtis: His regular caddy Andy Sutton is skipping this event because he is British and can’t bear to help the other side win. Curtis struggles early in the week, then finds out his clubs have been cut down two inches by an overzealous Sutton. He recovers. Sutton is fired even though he is not working. Record 1-2-2. … Boo Weekley: Has the week of his life. Azinger allows him to wear camouflage and assigns a second caddy to carry a shotgun for Boo. He uses the gun to do some duck hunting while waiting on Henrik Stenson to hit. Record 5-0. … Steve Stricker: The lack of rough at Valhalla is good for Stricker, who has been driving the ball better in recent weeks. Mickelson talks him into not using his driver though and Sticker halves every match he plays. Record 0-0-5. … Chad Campbell: Strange pick. The years 2004 and 2006 called – they want their two total points back. But, he is American. Record 1-2-1. … Hunter Mahan: Just cocky enough to play well in the international spotlight. It doesn’t hurt that he wins lots of matches by forfeit from the decimated European squad. Record 5-0. … J.B. Holmes: He out-Euros the Euros with his constant fidgeting and overall slow pace of play. But he drives all but two of the par-4s. Record 2-1-1.
Katrek can be heard on 790 The Zone’s “On The Green with Brian Katrek” Sundays from 8-9 a.m. and can be reached at bkatrek@790thezone.com.
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